This one is easy to answer. Yes – both you and your husband should get tested for sexually transmitted diseases as soon as possible.
When marital unfaithfulness has happened, one of the most important parts of the reconciliation process is the offending spouse’s willingness to take responsibility for their actions. Will they face up to the real-life consequences of the mistakes they’ve made? Those consequences can be physical and medical as well as emotional and psychological. You can’t expect to save your marriage unless you’re prepared to deal with all of them.
If your husband’s affair brought him into contact with sexually transmitted diseases, you will both want to know about it right away. If an STD has been contracted, this could have huge implications for the sexual dimension of your relationship for the rest of your lives. This is a matter of special concern to you, since some of these diseases can lie dormant in a woman’s body for a long time before manifesting any symptoms.
Apparently you’re aware of all this. You’ve already been thinking about testing, and you feel strongly that you have reasonable grounds for concern. Why, then, should you be hesitant to bring up the subject with your spouse? You’ve given us the answer, of course. In your own words, you’re operating on the assumption that to request testing is to express “distrust.” You’re also afraid of coming across as “unforgiving.” But are these assumptions and anxieties valid? We don’t think so.
In the first place, medical testing has nothing to do with trust. It’s just a simple, practical way of getting the facts. Are the infectious agents that cause STDs present or not? That’s what you want to know, and it is crucial to find out. If the test comes back negative, great. But if it shows positive evidence of an infection, this information will be invaluable in your efforts to avoid further suffering.
Second, there’s a sense in which trust is a moot point at this stage in the game. By becoming involved in an extra-marital affair, your husband has already proven himself untrustworthy. If he is still a man of character in any sense of the term, he ought to be willing to admit this and face the consequences head-on. That’s the only way he can realistically hope to rebuild his relationship with you.
Finally, you need to bear in mind that forgiveness and trust are two different things. You can forgive your husband for his past waywardness, but this doesn’t mean that you should give him carte blanche for the future, nor should you necessarily take his word for it when he insists that he’ll never go down that road again. Through his actions he has forfeited a degree of his freedom and respectability. Real healing and reconciliation between the two of you can’t occur unless he’s ready to be held accountable. Trust can only be restored if accountability is maintained over a long period of time.
We should add that physical and sexual repercussions may be the least important aspects of an affair’s aftermath. The emotional and psychological sides of the problem are often of far greater consequence and can be more difficult to resolve.
If you’re serious about rebuilding trust, don’t stop short with medical testing for STIs and STDs. We highly recommend that you and your husband start therapy with a trained and qualified Christian counselor. This is a necessary step to help uncover any unresolved issues in your relationship and get to the bottom of what led to the affair in the first place.
Not sure where to start? Call our professional and pastoral counselors for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’d be glad to talk with you, and they can give you referrals to trained therapists in your area and intensive marriage counseling options.
Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.
Your Next Steps: What to Do When Your Spouse Is Unfaithful
Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair (workbook)
I Do Again: We Found a Second Chance at Our Marriage – And You Can Too
Healing a Marriage After an Affair
Marital Challenges (resource list)
Overcoming the Betrayal of an Affair (broadcast)
Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage After Infidelity (broadcast)
Nothing to Hide: Hope for Marriages Hurt by Pornography and Infidelity
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